No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
