I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
