it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
