Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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