Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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