everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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