I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
