I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
