i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
