dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
