I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
