I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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