Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
