hotel room ftw
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize