I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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