Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
