just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
