just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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