I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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