also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He felt like a one man threesome
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize