I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Less talking, more tequila
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
