my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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