Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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