dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize