When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
