his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
