Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
