he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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