ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
