I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The adults are the big ones right?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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