the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
