With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
