apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
