i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
