nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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