I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
