my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
