Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize