my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
