Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she looked like the before picture.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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