i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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