Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
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