Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
