I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
