I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
