the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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