Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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