why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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