My liver just broke up with me...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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