If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
