I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
