but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
