Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
