Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
