I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
